This one's a bit of a ramble, bear with me.
We howled tonight. Me, the kiddo, and of course the dog. I wonder if they felt it like I did. Of the three of us, I am definitely the wild seed.
I've been going through something tough recently. Not tough like a major life crisis... more along the lines of a heavy heart, deeply questioning myself, and just not in much of a "comfort zone". I don't generally spend much time in comfort zones, but some exits from said zones and harder than others. The dog on the other hand is currently staring alternately at my face and the keyboard, deeply questioning why I won't let him lick my hands. We all have our issues.
I've been coming across all of these articles popping up on social media that have to do with tonight's full moon. In particular, they have been talking about how the current alignment of the moon, stars, and planets are bringing some of us through some unsettling feelings. They all mention heartache, closure, embarking on paths that better align with your true self, and the mental and emotional waffling or "twinning" of Gemini. I've never been quite sure I believe in all of this, but I'm not against it. Maybe I lean in to these things when hard times are happening and they speak to my current state of mind - or maybe it's because alignment of celestial bodies alters energetic fields, and gravitational pulls, and truly does whack this little celestial speck into a different state.
I'm a Cancer. I am empathetic. I have big giant feelings and a big giant heart. I'm strong, as fierce as they come, stubborn, and resilient. I've always felt that the crab is a perfect representative - soft gooey insides, a hard shell, I'll hide in a crack for a while, and I'll chop off your damn finger. Boom. On one hand I think I'm pretty easy to get along with, but on the other hand, not so much. I'm intense, deep, dangerously curious, I trust my intuition, I'm brutally honest, and independent. I'm free, and I absolutely love it that way.
Love. That's what's been troubling me lately. In recent years I've grown to love someone so very deeply that it unwittingly shocked my soul out of a funk it's been in for decades. In recent weeks, this deep love crashed and burned a bit. It was the most natural and amazing thing I've had in my life in a really long time. Happened by accident, totally freely, like a couple of rocks slamming together as they both bounced crazily down a hill. Two rocks that then couldn't help but bounce crazily alongside each other. Not tied together, both rocks were free to fling off any which way at any time. Yet no matter what happened these two rocks tore along through the dust, peaks and valleys, loosely but unchangeably side by side. Almost like the universe had set things up for it to happen that way. And then suddenly, one rock bounced away.
When I say love, I'm not even stating it romantically. It was more than that. That may not make sense to those who are in love, who have found their soulmates... I'm honestly not sure. For me, purely romantic love has only ever ended in pain and feelings of abandonment. To me, the best love is the kind where you're just a couple of rocks doing rock stuff together, for no reasons other than that it happens naturally, and that it is the only way you really ever want to be. I suppose my romantic dream is that such a rock would one day become MY ROCK, but that would merely be an amazing bonus. It's not a requirement in order for me to deeply love someone. I wasn't trying to be "in love", it was better than that. It was just pure. Unlabeled. It existed, and it was real.
And now, despite that I'm certain I've done a shitload of overthinking the matter, I have felt a part of me - the weaker, less confident, sometimes self-loathing part of me - absolutely writhing over the feeling of loss. I 100% know that this part of me is overreacting, but I also know that it's a natural feeling.
So back to the full moon and astrology I've been reading on in relation to it. All of these things, the heartbreak, the renewal, the feeling unsure about decisions, waffling between things... it's me. That has been me for the past few weeks. In about the past week though, I've been really feeling the renewal piece, big time. I feel like somehow in the process of accepting the loss and the hurt, I allowed myself back to a truer state for me. A state closer to the ground, head less in the clouds, more dirt on my face from falling. I recognize the value in this, and am grateful for it. I have been able to recognize that during these past few years I had my head so much in the clouds in some ways, that the distance between my existence and my roots had been growing. It was slowly building in my subconscious, piling up inside of me and making me more an more uncomfortable as time went on.
All of this said, I do not in even the smallest sense of the word, regret even one solitary fraction of a second, nor any decision that was made. This is life, this is learning, this is growth and renewal. I know this, yet I'm still in this waffling state. My heart hurts, but I know that whatever happens I'll accept, as that that will be the next path toward the next me. The path that will lead me to new amazing things. All paths always do. When I waffle, my gut tells me that the rocks are still bouncing down the same hill and are just out of sight for a while. That they'll bounce back at some point, freely adjacent once again. But I'm not going to to cling to that thought. Whatever will be, will be.
And this little crab managed to get here without chopping anyone's finger off.
If anyone reading this has been having similar difficulties, try to put your feet on the dirt, look up at that big crazy moon tonight, and give it a big fucking howl. Howl your feet right back into the the ground, take a deep breath, and smile.